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Silence of the Hams
By the time their seventh murder mystery rolls around, Jane and Shelley have become so good at theorizing, they've got it down to a precise mathematical formula that makes perfect sense to them.
"Okay," Shelley said in her organizational voice. "Here's the situation: X finds Y dead on the floor-- "
"Apparently dead," Jane interrupted.
Mel, who was listening, just rolled his eyes.
"Good. Yes, that might make all the difference. X finds Y sprawled on the floor. Maybe dead. Maybe unconscious. Pushes a heavy thing over on him, making it took like Y was murdered. So, what could the reasons be?"
"Sheer frustration," Jane said. "X hated Y, planned to kill him, and is furious to think somebody else got to it first and lashes out in a fit of pique."
"Okay, that's one," Shelley said. "Sheer hatred. X hated Y, but couldn't take any action against him, so when he sees him helpless for once, he's overcome by the impulse to dish out vengeance. And even if he knew for sure that Y was already dead, that hatred might just need the outlet of pretending to kill him."
"A bit more baroque," Jane said as if evaluating a painting. "How's this: X finds Y lying dead on the floor -- doesn't necessarily even know or care who it is, but has a rabid hatred for Z--"
"Z?" Shelley asked indignantly.
"Let me finish. X hates Z and thinks by pushing the rack over on Y, he can blame it on Z."
"Who could Z be?" Shelley asked, still apparently resentful of the introduction of this new character.
"The first person who comes to mind is Conrad, just because it's his deli. Or maybe X planned to claim later that he'd seen Z leave the room just before the crash."
"If that were the case, why didn't X ever make such an accusation?" Shelley asked.
As serious as the subject really was, Jane felt a sense of ghoulish amusement take over. "Try this one then: X knows Y is having an affair with Z and was once married to Q, who is trying to haul him into court to testify in a drug-running case against P--"
"--and S knew all about it and was threatening to tell M, who feared that K would hear about it and All Would Be Revealed!" Shelley finished. "I like it, Jane. Mel, we've solved it. You can probably still make your arrest this evening if you hurry."
Mel stared at them and then spoke very slowly and deliberately. "I thank all that is holy that you two didn't go into law enforcement."
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